wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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