Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize