the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
