I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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