On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
