I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
