some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
