hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
