she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
