Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
