Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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