Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
