I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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