There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
