i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
