doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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