True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
