More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
