I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
