i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
