mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had sex on a roof
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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