Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
