put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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