He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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