When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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