the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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