So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
