Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
