i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
