you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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