You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
