I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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