If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize