so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize