wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
