he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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