Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
