I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
