It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
