remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
