It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
