Do you still have your period?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize