We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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