I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
