11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize