she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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