And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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