I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
