wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
