I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
