I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
