I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
