Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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