I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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